Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
