hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
