You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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