Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize