from now on my penis is your penis
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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