I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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