Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
sarcasm needs its own font
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
