My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
