I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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