pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize