I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
