Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I pour the whiskey from now on
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
