The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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