apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize