Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
