Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
