I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
