My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
