i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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