Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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