gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Randomize
