who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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