A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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