Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
