it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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