her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize