i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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