So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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