I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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