I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
