the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
