I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize