The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
