Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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