i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
