Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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