You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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