your room smells of hookers.
And success
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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