I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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