Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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