Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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