Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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