look no pants
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize