Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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