hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
