If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
