shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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