i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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