Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sobbing to NWA
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
