I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
