Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
