I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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