I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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