On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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