if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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