hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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