guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
