Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
