The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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