you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
