nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
