you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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