the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
