the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize