i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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