We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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