I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
