It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
