Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
organizing the empties. That sober.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
