WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I would ride that face into the sunset
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
