perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize