This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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