Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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