Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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