remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
it's great music for shaving your balls
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
